Thor

So after a long and crazy week at work, I come home for some relaxing time in front of the TV.

Thor and I have some rules. He's not allowed on the couch (not enforced) and he is not allowed to sleep in my bed. The boy can freeze and raging inferno with his body temperature. I have accepted that he does sleep in the corner of the bed. As long as the middle of the bed is not below 60 degrees, I've learned to live with it. I am not allowed to wake Thor up with a sudden onset of 122db earth moving drumming; and drum stick colonoscopies are not longer allowed. Never mind he had the colonoscopy coming. But things have been peaceful.

As I'm heading for my easy chair I hear the loudest blood curdling scream that I've ever heard. Thor comes flying out of the bedroom, knocking me to the floor. For the next, what seemed like an eternity, Thor is bouncing off the walls, rather everything, in the kitchen. I finally get back on my feet to yell, "Chill out!"  Thor bounces out of the kitchen with a direct hit; I'm down again. Once Thor is back in the kitchen, I crawl over and dive behind the couch, for protection. It offers little, as Thor bounces off the couch and shoves me halfway into the wall.

Things seem to settle down, I peer out from behind the couch to see Thor floating towards me. About 5 feet away, he drops. I offer him my arm to jump onto, he tries, but falls back to the floor.

I look into the kitchen and there is nothing on ANY counter, stove, table, fridge, etc. The microwave is hanging by the cord. As I step over Thor, the cord gives way. The crash sends Thor across the living room and me back to the floor. I'm getting a lot of floor time.

I hear the back door open and in comes five fire hoses. The Chief exclaims What The F***! He looks at me and I'm laying on the floor with a white hanky in one hand and giving the peace sign with the other.

The Chief says "Our work is done here," and steps out.

Molly Maid's steps in with their "No Job is Too big" logo. I tell her there is a shop vac in the garage she can use. She returns with the shop vac.

Now that Thor is settled down (I put him up in his corner) and the kitchen is on it's way to recovery, it was time to figure out what was going in in my bedroom. I step into the bedroom and see a big lump in the middle of my bed. I rip the covers back. Attached to the covers is the biggest, hairiest, meanest...

So I pull back the covers on my bed and there staring back at me is the biggest, hairiest, Theraphosidae I've ever seen! My immediate thought of grabbing the fly swatter, was quickly dismissed by the thought, that it would only annoy my new found guest. My guitar was also within reach, by I was not about to go Pete Townshend on a freshly tuned Stratocaster.

Shotgun! Yep that will do the trick. Thor being the hero he is, grab the shotgun. Having recently watch the Terminator, Thor slammed the gun up to chamber a shell. On the way down, Thor lost his grip on the fore-end and the gun got loose. I dove towards the other side of the bed, Theraphosidae or no Theraphosidae! I never made it.

OMG! I've never seem so many feathers, foam and bed springs flying in my life. And I was feeling a pain in my tukas. The fire department returned, along with my favorite lady paramedic. I told her my butt hurts. I was rolled over, my pants were removed. And I was cuffed!

Two things came to mind. 1) I was glad, for my moms part, that I had fresh drawers on. Not sure how they stayed fresh, with what just happened, but mom would have been proud. 2) Although being a normal male, I admit to having had fantasies about being cuffed, etc (need to keep it "G") but, none of my fantasies involved having my tukis trashed by a gunshot.

Ms. paramedic checked out my tush and said nothing had penetrated my skin. I was told by a manly voice to stand up and was slapped on the butt. The slap did the trick, I was straight up, but I was standing there at attention with a throbbing tukas.

I was read my rights and told I was being arrested for the unlawful discharge of a weapon. There were lot of responses that were appropriate, but the one I went with, "Get bent you stupid @#$!;" was not the best. Someone in the crowd uttered "How did he shoot himself in the butt with a long gun?" Good question, *I* should have gone with that one.

The CSI guy said he needed my hand to do some kind of residue test and asked me to show him my hands. I heard the familiar click of handcuffs being unlocked. Thor floated around from behind me and handed the cop the cuffs and I handed the CSI guy my hands. The cop was not amused. Once CSI dude took his sample, I was spun around and cuffed. Thor again removed and returned the cuffs to the cop. This went on a few times. I told the officer, one more spin and he was going to be covered with my stomach contents. About that time CSI dude said I was negative for gun powder residue. Thor was cuffed and stuffed. He was taken to jail. He returned about 15 minutes later, the officer returned about 5 minutes after that. They played that game for the rest of the night. I went to bed.

To be continued...